‘Uninspired connections, meaningless conversations, sparkless dates’: Is dating rust-out the reason you have not found ‘The One’?

As the experts would call it, dating rust-out is similar to the workplace phenomenon of ‘rust-out.’ Unlike burnout which is characterised as ‘exhaustion due to overwork,’ rust-out refers to the feeling borne out of a lack of meaningful work or mundane and monotonous tasks.

So, when Anjana PV, a 25-year-old journalist, experienced this, she was rather unfamiliar with this wary feeling. After a breakup, she decided to check out some dating apps, but all she could gain was disappointment. “Although the initial conversations are great with a few of the matches, it always ends up in a cycle of talking endlessly for days and then ghosting each other. Then, you move on to the next match, ask the same set of questions in the process of getting to know each other, only to get ghosted again,” she says.

This phenomenon has definitely impacted her, says Anjana, who believes it has changed the way she perceives relationships. “I feel there’s no point in trying a lot, or I simply don’t belong in this generation of pointless flings. I haven’t given up hope completely, but I have stopped wasting time counting on it.”

On the other hand, Ritik Jaiswal, a PR professional, says that in the era of digitalisation, dating rust-out has become even more common. “Finding a potential match has become as easy as ordering a slice of cake, thanks to the dating apps. Looking for a novel experience, I tried it out, but after a few dates that I met after a simple swipe, the initial excitement waned. The process felt like a quick game, leaving me with a sense of apathy at the end of each meet-up. It made me wonder if the convenient and easy nature of modern dating apps is taking away the depth and real emotions that make connections meaningful,” he shares.

So, what exactly is ‘dating rust-out’?

A concept borrowed from workplace lingo, Prachi S Vaish, a relationship therapist, premarital, and mindful dating coach explains that in the dating scenario, it refers to the boredom and fatigue that sets in after a repetitive cycle of sparkless dates, which lack meaningful intimacy. “In this era of dating apps where looking for a partner is as tiring as endless online window shopping, rust-out can easily occur when you’re all geared up to meet someone and start something meaningful, but it turns out to be yet another evening of inane conversation, and surface intimacy.”

Quite often, this is mistaken for a lack of interest in a relationship or dating, but according to Sidhharrth S Kumaar, relationship coach, founder, NumroVani, it is a sign of wanting a relationship while not being able to reach that point.

While the cause of dating rust-out varies from person to person, Meenakshi Atawnia, psychologist and founder, The Cognitive Factor, notes that one key reason is the role of traditional media, which has romanticised the idea of dating, leading to unrealistic expectations being set. Additionally, the highly repetitive nature of planning a date, the constant swiping, or monotony in chatting can cause boredom.

What are the tell-tale signs of dating rust-out?

As the experts would call it, dating rust-out, is similar to the workplace phenomenon of ‘rust-out’. (Source: Freepik)

As per Kumaar, these are the signs one must look out for:

*Pessimism towards dating: The most initial and early symptoms of ‘dating rust-out’ is having a negative perspective towards dating as well as romantic relationships. One loses hope and interest in dating or relationship prospects.

*Lack of emotional intimacy: The experience of dating rust-out can instill a fear that dampens enthusiasm and inspiration to begin new relationships. The residue of past disappointments may linger, creating a reluctance to fully invest in the excitement of fresh starts and budding connections.

*Questioning self-worth: Dating rust-out can also push individuals to question their self-worth, creating self-doubt where one begins to scrutinise and find faults within themselves. This internal critique can significantly impact one’s confidence and outlook on future relationships.

*Exhaustion: The very thought of going on dates may evoke a sense of tiredness or overwhelm. This fatigue, whether mental or physical, makes each date seem like a daunting experience.

How to overcome dating rust-out

The approach to navigate through this phase needs to be proactive and personalised. Here are some steps you can take to overcome this stage, as per Smriti Bhardwaj, a counseling psychologist:

*Press pause: If the rust-out seems intense, take a break from active dating. Pause your dating app notifications, stop actively talking to others, and just spend some time with yourself or your friends.

*Reflect on your experiences: Delve into the specifics — take note of moments where discomfort, boredom, or exhaustion crept in. Taking the time to analyse and understand these feelings can serve as a roadmap.

*Regulate time spent on dating apps: Schedule blocks of time in a day to browse through profiles instead of mindlessly scrolling.

*Break the monotony: For instance, engaging in shared interests like rock climbing or trekking can not only add excitement but also foster a deeper connection as a couple.

*Know what you want: Self-awareness also empowers you to communicate your desires effectively to your partner.

Remember that anything worth having takes effort and time. As you navigate the complexities of dating, embrace the learning curve, be patient with the process, and allow yourself the room to evolve. You can also reach out to a professional and gain further clarity on how to deal with rust-out.