‘Dhoni should be made India coach’: 40 smart lines to sound like an IPL expert

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1. MS Dhoni: Refer to him as Thala or Mahi. Thala for a reason, MahiWay can be part of post-match analysis when CSK wins.

2. Transition: This could easily be the most-used word of IPL Season 17. If the young leaders Shubman Gill and Ruturaj Gaikwad fail, say these are teething problems or they are learning the ropes. In case they win, call them future India captains. Be brave, hop to past eras, compare apples and oranges, and pit them against each other. Label it the next Rohit vs Virat, North vs West.

3. Rajasthan Royals: When talking about them, mention Moneyball, call them smart shoppers. Throw names – Shane Warne, Rahul Dravid and Kumar Sangakkara. Disregard the individuality of these stalwarts, box them as groomers of young talent.

4. Mumbai Indians: Always mention the riches of the owners. Use corporate jargon to explain their cricketing decisions. Use words like succession plan, punt, brand, market, long-term vision, churn, herding cats, breaking silos when articulating about the Rohit-Hardik switch.

5. Chennai Super Kings: Call it a franchise with a heart. Say “they retained Suresh Raina even after what happened in 2020.” Follow it with a lowdown on Raina’s intriguing Covid time sudden departure from UAE. Reading required. For starters – Raina’s twitter timeline.

6. Sanju Samson: Call him an enigma, shed tears about him “not living up to his potential.” Be cynical about his hundred in the early part of the season. Predict he wouldn’t hit another. In the company of his fans, abuse North India for keeping him out of the national team. Use Shashi Tharoor tweets to strengthen the argument.

7. Ishan Kishan: Pulled up for prioritising IPL over Ranji Trophy, he offers hedging options. If he scores in the IPL call BCCI old and crusty. If he fails, be righteous and stress the importance of Ranji Trophy.

8. Punjab Kings: Talk about the seasons when they had Shaun Marsh and Virender Sehwag. Say they chop and change a lot.

9. Sun Risers Hyderabad: Same. Talk about the season when they had David Warner and Bhuvneshwar Kumar. Say they chop and change a lot.

10. Shikhar Dhawan: Be cautious in applauding his big score in the first half of the game. You might have to criticize him for eating up too many balls.

11. Prithvi Shaw: With all the confidence in the world, say he would be out before the power play ends. Other options: Body shaming, criticism about IPL money spoiling Gen Next.

12. Body language: Interpret every little gesture of a captain to float a conspiracy theory. If Hardik reacts to a Rohit misfield, have a field day.

13. Dhoni, the wicket-keeper: Credit every spinner’s wicket to his counsel from behind. Call him hands-on accommodative captain, say bowlers will miss him when he retires. For effect say you will quit watching cricket after Thala retires.

Chennai Super Kings star MS Dhoni. (Instagram)

14. Dhoni, in death overs: If run-rate is climbing utter softly: “Has he left it for late?” For mistimed shots, be sympathetic: “Age catching up, finally”. If he pulls off a win, go back on what you said: “Told you, Thala for a reason”.

15. Dhoni, when talking to youngsters after the game: “He should be made the Indian coach”. There has to be a sense of finality in the tone.

16. Ashish Nehra: Credit him for success, blame players for failure. “He should be made the Indian coach”.

17. GOAT: M-W-F: Virat. T-T-S: Rohit. Dhoni: Sunday, every day of the week.

18. Pat Cummins: When at Modi stadium, say he can silence a crowd. Remind everyone, he can bat too.

19. Travis Head: Never miss using Head puns – Head-Man, A-Head, Bull-Head. Head-Tail, Head-Heart.

20. Bazball: Mention it mischievously when Jonny Bairstow walks in to bat.

21. Catch of the season: Confidently pitch for the one you have just witnessed. So what if that is the only IPL game you have witnessed.

22. New Zealanders: A nation of innovators and ingenuity. Make good coaches.

23. Australians: Cricket’s newest Indophiles, who once carried a 60-day supply of baked beans on India tours.

24. Glenn Maxwell: Scoff at his inconsistency and his crores. But add a rider: On his day, he can win matches single-handedly.

25. Rohit Sharma batting: Can’t call it anything but effortless and sublime. Fuss over the time he has to play his shots.

26. Virat Kohli cover drive: Instantly, share your travel plans – “Can go miles to watch this one.”

27. Dhoni’s helicopter shot: These days seen only in MS Dhoni, the untold story.

28. Hardik Pandya: Hail him a T20 star but when it comes to his personality be tactful. “Opinions are divided” – is a safe bet.

Hardik Pandya (left) has replaced Rohit Sharma as Mumbai Indians captain. (File)

29. Ones: If commentators have their way, they would go extinct. They want their mass-conversion to Twos.

30. Right areas: The mythical patch of real estate on pitch where the bowlers need to pitch to get dot balls or wickets.

31. Effort ball: The one bowled slightly short with a heavy grunt. It is mandatory that batsmen mistime it and get caught in the circle. Refer: Mohammad Shami clips.

32. Foreigners: The ones made to mouth famous Bollywood dialogues by unimaginative social media teams of franchise.

33. Team Huddle: The only meeting in T20 cricket that matters.

34. Top-edge six over wicket-keeper: Blame the tree-trunk sized bats, offer sympathy to bowler. It’s the token 2-minute silence that commentators offer to bowlers in this two-month long unrelenting unabashed celebration of batting.

35. Pitch report: The essential wastage of air time when experts, on most days, find innovative ways to say that the track is dead and full of runs.

36. World T20: The biennial reality check for India’s IPL stars.

37. National selectors: Call them the five wise men one day, blast them when you don’t agree with their choice.

38. Yashaswi Jaiswal: After every six he hits, mention that he used to sell pani-puri on Churchgate footpath. Follow with an exclamation – “What a story, IPL riches changing lives.”

39. Last ball thriller: “Oh, this game of glorious uncertainties”. Alternatively, shamelessly modify United manager Alex Ferguson’s famous quote: “Cricket, bloody hell.”

Finally, the one line that is sure to make you sound like a cricket oracle and visionary.

40. Super Over: “This is cricket’s future.” To be said in a profound and pensive tone.

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